Outcast No Longer
by Maddie
Summary: Episode tag for The Outcasts. Riker has lost Soren, and must now deal with his sorrow in his own way.


**_Title: _** Outcast No Longer 1/1  
**_Author: _**Maddie  
**_Rating: K+_**  
**_Category: _**Angst  
**_Disclaimer: _**Paramount owns them all...the ship, the crew and the universe, but...the plot belongs to me.  
**_Archiving: _**Yes, but only with permission from author. My stories are like my children. I like to know where they end up spending the night.  
**_Feedback: _**Always welcome  
**_Summary: _**Episode tag for _The Outcast, _in which Riker falls in love with Soren, a member of the J'nai, a relationship banned by her society, which makes no distinction between the sexes.

**_Author's notes: _**This story was originally published in hard copy by Orion Press in their Star Trek: The Next Generation fanzine _Eridani 19_ (1993).

**Outcast No Longer**

By, Maddie

The holodeck portal swished open, and Beverly Crusher was startled by the rush of warm fragrant air that billowed through the opening. She found herself holding her breath loathe to exhale for fear she would disturb the silent beauty. Stepping across the threshold she heard the hatchway slide closed. Glancing behind her, she noted the transformation from barren metal to the illusion of verdant growth was complete

Again Crusher drew a deep breath, steadying herself, knowing she may not be welcome. Taking several steps into the dense plant growth, Crusher was awed by the lush greenery, the warm still night and the faint spicy fragrance wafting in ghostly suggestion on the gentle breeze. Instinctively, she looked up into the dense canopy and beyond, searching for the moon she felt should be part of such natural perfection, but she could not see through the overgrowth. Turning slowly, she felt a tremendous sense of peace surrounded by such tranquil loveliness

"Oh," she uttered, and then stepped toward a low bush, heavily laden with blossoms the size of dinner plates, yet as delicate as spider webs. Gossamer tendrils of bloody scarlet cascaded from the center of each blossom whose finger-like petals were a pearlized white so pure they were luminescent. Bending, Crusher inhaled the heady fragrance, recognizing the blooms as the source of the spicy odor she'd noted as she entered the holodeck.

"It's called a falla bush."

Crusher jumped and spun on her heel, guilty of being so deeply enthralled by her surroundings that she had forgotten her reason for being here and suddenly all too aware she was intruding.

"I'm sorry if I'm disturbing you. There was no privacy lock on the program." Crusher felt she was bumbling badly. "I thought this was an open holodeck."

His face was calm. Too calm, she decided. She recognized the practiced lack of expression and knew it was hiding a deeper pain. This was an emotional tactic she'd become familiar with over the years. One she had employed herself.

"Will," Crusher said softly, reaching out to lay a hand on his arm. "We've been concerned about you."

Will Riker's smile was bitter, sardonic not the quick and easy grin his shipmates had come to expect from him. "You mean Counselor Troi is concerned."

_"All _of us, Will," Crusher corrected sharply. "All of us who count you as a friend."

"There's no need to be concerned," he said quickly. "I just needed some time to think."

"And to create this?" she asked, running her finger along the edge of one white falla petal.

He nodded.

"It's lovely."

"It blooms only one day out of the year," Riker stated formally. He stood at parade rest, hands clasped behind his back, emotionally distant and reserved. "I've never seen the real thing, but the computer was able to postulate a simulation from scans it performed while orbiting the planet."

"While orbiting J'nai, Will. The planet has a name." Crusher could see Riker tense, the muscles working along the line of his jaw. Otherwise, he made no move to acknowledge her correction. "The falla bush is spectacular. All of this is. I wasn't able to visit the planet's surface while we were there."

Crusher felt herself blushing unreasonably. She had intended to offer support and felt as though she were rambling inanely. "Will..." she faltered against the wall of his stony silence. "I know how you feel." The look he shot her would easily have pierced a bulkhead, and suddenly she was angry. "You aren't the first person to lose someone you love," she snapped, inwardly cursing her insensitive outburst.

Riker started, stared at her for a moment then the corners of his mouth quirked and a shadow of amusement lit his blue eyes.

"That was a low blow, Doctor," he said.

"It wasn't meant to be."

"It damn well was. And it was quite effective." Riker shook his head and his shoulders slumped slightly forward, the rigid control beginning to dissolve. "I thought, perhaps, in here," he nodded to indicate the confines of the holodeck, "I might be allowed to indulge in an unobserved wallow of self pity for a short time."

Crusher grinned. "Deanna's kept a pretty close eye on you since we left J'nai."

"Like the proverbial hawk," Riker said.

"She wanted to come here herself," Crusher said, serious again, hoping to draw Riker out. "I wouldn't let her," she continued.

Riker's look was quizzical, but he said nothing.

/ _feel like I'm talking to myself. _Crusher thought. "I figured I owed you one, Will."

"Owed me?" he finally asked, his head tilting in a gesture that reminded her of Data.

"For Odan," Crusher replied simply, damning the catch in her own voice. She shifted her feet uncomfortably. They had never really talked about that experience.

"That was a different situation." Riker turned and walked deeper into the simulation.

So / _have to follow if we're going to talk, _Crusher thought. _Okay, mister _She hastened to catch up to him.

For a moment, they walked in silence until Riker stopped abruptly in a section of the holodeck that was noticeably cooler.

"This is a manellin tree," he said, reaching up to finger a tiny leaf that had begun to turn white on the edges.

"Will, I didn't come here for a botany lesson. And you keep changing the subject. What happened between Odan and me wasn't that different. Except, instead of Odan turning away from me, it was I who rejected him, or her. I couldn't accept the change."

"You don't know what happened on J'nai so you can't begin to compare situations," Riker said defensively.

"I know what the rumor mill has been cranking out," Crusher said. "And I have my own suspicions. Soren's feelings for you were pretty obvious." Crusher remembered Soren's catlike curiosity about anything meant to create distinction between the sexes.

Riker turned away, standing a few feet from her in the shadow of the manellin tree. The silence between them stretched taut until Crusher wished any noise would fracture it. But she dare not move or breathe until Riker chose to speak.

"I was wrong," Riker said over his shoulder, not turning to face her. "I tried to interfere with the function of J'nai society, for my own personal interests. That violates every law I've sworn to uphold."

"You loved her." Crusher was not sure whether she was stating a fact or asking a question.

"I was desperate to protect her from the standards of her own culture. I thought I was doing it so she could have the best possible life. It all made perfect sense at the time." Riker's voice mirrored his confusion. "Maybe that's why Deanna is so concerned. I was willing to do for Soren what I would never do for her."

"What, Will?" Crusher asked, stepping closer.

"You know damn well, Doctor. Sacrifice my career, everything I've dedicated my life to building. I was willing to drag Worf along with me, though the crazy Klingon was perfectly happy playing the renegade. But Soren had the brains to say no. She understood the meaning of sacrificing for love far better than I ever will."

Crusher laid her hand on Riker's shoulder, hoping he would find some comfort in the touch of a friend.

"She'd been brainwashed, Will. By her own people."

"No."

The absolute pain in that single word startled Crusher more that Riker's resolute silence, more than his sarcasm, more than his rigid control. It spoke volumes of the torment he had tried to conceal, to ignore, and to forget. Taking him by the arm, Crusher turned him so the subdued light fell on his face. "But the psychotechnic treatments--"

"Weren't scheduled to begin until the next morning," Riker finished his voice a harsh whisper, his eyes distant and haunted.

"Will, what exactly did happen?"

"Soren put on an act, Beverly. To protect me and prevent me from making a bigger fool of myself. She pretended," Riker paused as though catching his breath, bracing himself for the raw truth. "She pretended that I meant nothing to her. She turned her back on me. And she was right."

Crusher barely heard the last few words they were spoken so softly. "Will. Soren lives in a repressive society. She's not free to be herself."

"Maybe. But I understand now the rightness of what she chose to do. I was in the process of destroying my career. Despite her desires, she knew the only hope of saving what I'd spent my life working for was for her to turn away. In the end, I think she realized that, done my way, neither of us would have been happy. We would both become outcasts, censured by our own people. At least, this way, she is still a member of her society and I still have my precious career, though I wonder at times how that became the most important thing in my life."

"That's all very logical, Will."

"But it still hurts like hell, doesn't it, Doctor?" Riker looked at her steadily, daring her to challenge him. "Like Odan. Accepting that he could change from the man you loved, to me, to a woman, and still be the same Odan, can be done logically, but it's a hell of a lot harder to do it with your heart."

Crusher nodded, fighting the tears stinging her eyes. "Like I said, Will, I understand." Riker looked utterly dejected, and she remembered how empty she had felt after Odan had left.

Cautiously wrapping her arms around his broad shoulders, she held him, felt his cheek rest momentarily against the top of her head, his shoulders slumped, arms limp at his sides. He shuddered once and then she drew back squeezing his hand in hers. "She'll haunt your dreams for a long time. When the dreams become difficult, don't forget you have friends who care."

Riker smiled a tired smile. Crusher walked toward the holodeck portal, pausing once to glance over her shoulder aware that she had done all she could. The healing required time. Riker stood where she had left him, alone amidst the profusion of vegetation, near a lovely tree whose leaves were turning softly white.

The End


End file.
